Guys.

Guys.

I just…I cannot.

I left off yesterday with the end of our food tour and the knowledge that we’d be seeing our guide again the following day. So it was that I rose, slightly (lol) hungover and ready to explore some mud volcanoes.

Let me start off by saying that our group had a few more people in it, which took the edge off the crazy from the tour guide. I appreciated that.

We took a spiffy Mercedes van the hour and a half or so to the mud volcanoes, which are actually pretty cool. Baku is one of only a few places on the planet where you can see this type of activity, where mud “lava” flows sluggishly from multiple volcanoes, bubbling and oozing as it comes. It’s not hot, mind you, which is a good thing.

Now, if you read the title up there, you know what’s coming. You know.

So there I was, little old me, hapless and clumsy and slightly inept, just a’walking around these volcanoes. We’re wandering from place to place, the guide slightly in front of us, taking photos and generally enjoying the scenery. Harrison had walked away and I decided it was time to move on, spotting a particularly large volcano that I thought warranted a closer look.

So off I went. One step, two steps, everything’s fine.

And then on step three, it happened.

You guys.

The floor was lava.

Aaaaaaand in I went.

Foot deep. Shoe deep. Ankle deep. Halfway up my leg and still sinking, I was mid-step and unbalanced, so what did I do? The only thing I could.

I kept walking.

Aaaaaand in went my other foot. Just as deep, just as muddy. Socks mushing and my shoes glued to the floor as I struggled to continue.

This continued for a few more steps, until I finally made it to firmer ground and collapsed on the floor laughing, with Harrison running up after me and taking advantage of the situation to create permanent evidence of this treachery.

Horrible man.

Guys, my feet were like cement. Cement! My pants were glued to my legs and all of a sudden I was wearing a size 40 shoe.

The worst bit? It was the beginning of the day. So I spent the rest of the day stomping around in stupid lava shoes, right through an open air museum and in front of hordes of other tourists, all of whom took great joy in pointing out my situation to me, as if I were unaware.

And the tour guide took photos, for y’know, his Instagram. So I guess I’m famous?

The best bit?

The best bit?

You remember how I told you guys we were in a spiffy Mercedes van? Yeah. The driver wasn’t too pleased with my newfound foot situation.

And that’s how I became the bag lady of Baku.

-Carissa “Super Smooth” Rawson